Shampoozi

donettes?

2012-02-02T21:49:00.001-07:00

The other day I was invited over to my friend Suzy Q's place for what was supposed to be a fun and enjoyable evening. The Ding Dong of the doorbell was met with cheers from inside and I was pulled straight into some sort of game. The best way to explain the game was that it felt like doing a Cup Cake walk while someone was trying to hit me with a Sno Ball. I guess I just didn't get it, but from the he hes ha has and Ho Hos coming from the other players, I figured it was a pretty fun game. I was kind of even enjoying it when I hit my elbow on a cabinet, it was a real Zinger I could feel through my whole body. Apparently Suzy thought it was cute because she kept looking at me and smiling with a TwinkIe in her eye. It was kind of creepy.

All I really got out of this that evening was a firm decision that I'm not going to any more of Suzy's parties, she's a terrible Hostess.

burning calories

2012-01-30T09:56:00.001-07:00

This guy at work was bragging about how many calories he burned last week. He touted that he burned over 3200 calories in six days. He even had a website that tracked everything for him. He seemed to be pretty proud of himself and his achievement, so I decided to voice my admiration for what he had done. "Big deal, I could do that," I said.

He looked at me incredulously and explained that he ran 2 miles and biked for a half hour every other day. On the off days he swam 2500 meters. He walked practically everywhere he went, and he played sports on the weekends.

He challenged me to burning as many calories as he did in only one week. He didn't think I could do it.

But I did, I did it in 3 minutes. To my way of thinking, he did it the hard way. I just bought 6 Big Macs and lit them on fire.

Buffet Hangover

2012-01-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

I don't drink. In the movies when people drink, they seem to have a good time. I have known people who would talk about how awful they feel after drinking. Bill Cosby addressed this in a routine called "Having a Good Time." Why would people drink, feel awful, want to die, throw up, pass out, and do it all over again? This always makes me question, "Then why do you do it?" Unfortunately, I think I found an answer.

Yesterday I found myself eating at Chuck-A-Rama, an all-you-can-eat buffet. It cost about $11 for all the meat, potatoes, veggies, fruit, salad, scones, soda and desserts that you could manage. I was determined to get my money's worth. I didn't pile my plates super high because I knew I could go back as many times as I wanted, so I did.

Plate 1: Salad, fruit, mac & cheese and a scone. With chicken noodle soup on the side. (Dr. Pepper)
-At this point I was still feeling pretty good and was excited to get some real food.

Plate 2: Turkey, roast beef, bbq chicken drumstick, mashed potatoes with gravy and a scone
-Really getting into the food after having the good stuff, slowing down but ready for more.

Plate 3: Some type of casserole, green beans, corn and a scone. (More Dr. Pepper)
-About the time I hit the middle of plate 3 I was feeling like I could stop eating and be satisfied. But there was still more food. And, at this point, I had paid almost $4 per plate. That isn't a bad price, but I knew I could get it down from there.

Plate 4: Three scones. (Apple Beer)
-After this, I had to stop. There was no more room. But I hadn't had dessert yet.

Plate 5: Brownie, peach cobbler, chocolate pudding and a strawberry/vanilla soft serve frozen yogurt twist. (Tiger's Blood slush drink)
-I wanted to cry. Each bite of frozen yogurt hurt as it filled the non-existent space in my stomach. The pudding had no room and just filled up my throat. I filled my mouth with the peach cobbler and just shoved the brownie in.

I sat there waiting for the food to digest. Instead it felt like the food was digesting my insides. It seemed to swell. I couldn't move. I eventually was able to hobble out to the car and magically made it home. I collapsed on the floor, stared at the ceiling and asked myself, "Why?"

I thought of each item I had eaten and the total cost. I figured it cost less that $.50 for each item, not even including the drinks. Initially I thought about how that was a pretty good price. But then I thought that I would pay $1 per item to go back in time and not eat it. I sloshed into my bed and quickly fell asleep.

I skipped breakfast this morning because I still couldn't think about food. Now it's about 11:15 and I'm getting hungry. I just found out that the local all-you-can-eat pizza buffet is having a 20% off deal for lunch today. I wonder how many slices of pizza I'll need to eat to get each one under $.25.....

There and back again

2012-01-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

African beasts can deliver extremely fatal gashes. Hazardous incidents justifiably keep leery mothers near offspring ‐ predators quite regularly snatch toddlers unnoticed. Velociraptors worry xenophobic young zebras.

Zack Young's x-ray was very unsettling; thankfully, surgeons responded quickly. Physicians offered new medicines leaving knee joints immobilized. Hospitals genuinely feel extreme distress can be abated.

2012?

2011-12-30T09:51:00.001-07:00

With the beginning of a new year coming up, a lot of people reflect on the year that is coming to a close. They think of all the things that they did, all the things other people did, and a lot of things that they could have done. They regret missing opportunities and not doing things that they promised themselves they would do at the beginning of the last year. They then make new promises to themselves saying that they won't fall into the same rut that they have been in their whole lives, and that they will finally do the things they say they will. They promise themselves that they will make it through the first two months and be strong, and such things. There always seems to be these kinds of people, every year.

I am not one of these people. I am satisfied with how 2011 turned out. I challenge 2012 to be as much fun and to have as much to offer as its predecessor. I say, ring in the new year will warning bells. Let's not give this new year too much credit until it has given us a reason to do so. I'm not jumping on the 2012 band wagon until 2012 shows what it can do for me. So far all it has given me is a pretty lame movie with coolish special effects. I think we need more than that.

The Avengers

2011-10-31T09:24:00.002-06:00

For work at OrangeSoda we had a major Halloween party. We were encouraged to dress up. I dressed up as The Avengers....all of them.

Captain America's shirt and shield
Iron Man's helmet and chest light
Thor's hammer and hair
The Hulk's shorts and legs
Hawkeye's bow
Black Widow's sleeves and gloves
Nick Fury's eye patch

...as defined by society

2011-10-25T22:21:00.000-06:00

"Book Smart" - Knowing things that nobody cares about and aren't useful

"Street Smart" - Gangster

"Good Parenting" - Keeping your kids from bothering other people

"Facebook" - One last attempt at some kind of social life

"Time" - Proof that someone is late

"Hero" - A fictional character

"Manners" - Actions that keep a date around, at least through dinner

"Blog Post" - Something I read to take up time, even if it makes me dumber

Hit List

2011-10-15T15:13:00.000-06:00

There are various ways to rate the importance of an individual. Sometimes people vote to place an individual in a position of importance. There are poles for celebrities as to how well they are liked or how much they are disliked. But there is one level of importance that few people reach, but that I hope to at some point in my life. This is, the hit list.

Being important enough that someone wants you dead has got to be a great honor. Most people just go on living their lives, and nobody cares that they are going on living their lives. Is that truly a life?

Who are some of the greatest people you can think of in history? Gandhi? Abraham Lincoln? John Lennon? There is just a few without even getting Biblical. Others include JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Caesar, Malcolm X and Franz Ferdinand. These people meant something to someone. They were going places.

It makes me think of what I have done in my own life. It honestly hasn't been that much. It makes me think that I need to start stepping it up.

Now I don't think that I'm going to make it on the top of anyone's list. Nor even on the list of anyone that would actually follow through with it. Just to know that someone was considering it would be enough.

So on my list of things to do, is something. I just hope I can make a difference. From you I simply ask that you ignore the main message of this post and don't kill me.

the writing on the wall

2011-07-04T00:34:00.000-06:00

I respect handicapped people. Unfortunately, when I say that I respect handicapped people, it will automatically make you think that I don't and I'm trying to compensate by saying that I do, so I probably shouldn't have started out with that. There are simply several things in this world that I don't understand, and I try to receive more understanding by bearing my soul to the vast empty spaces of the Internet. The thing that has been troubling me lately, is braille.

I just don't get it. Now I am also not saying that I think braille is useless. I think it is super cool, but I will never understand how it is read. I guess my fingers just aren't that sensitive. I have a hard enough time knowing whether my index fingers are on the home keys on my keyboard, and they are the only ones with dots.

But I see braille everywhere! ....okay, I'll admit, that was a bit insensitive. I just don't get why braille is posted on pretty much everything. I realize that it definitely has to do with the ADA, but why? It seems to me like so much if it isn't actually helping.

A commonly known one is braille on the keys of drive up ATM machines. I don't understand. In order for these to be useful, steering wheels, gas pedals, and speedometers should also have braille. There should also be dots on the side mirrors that say, "Objects in mirror are closer than they would appear."

Another is elevators. Many elevator buttons will have braille listed for every button. By the time someone using the braille actually found the button he was looking for, he would have hit every button for every floor. There is nothing that tells which floor the elevator stopped on (in most cases). How would the person know when to get off?

One that I really don't understand is room plaques. You will see these for numbered rooms, men's and women's restrooms and emergency exits. For these to be useful, one who reads braille would need to walk down every hallway with their finger running against the wall at shoulder-to-eye level. Has anyone ever seen someone doing that? I never have. The person would also have to be walking against general walking traffic, because the walls on the left would be the only ones that were written forward. Were they to walk down the right side of the hall, the braille would be backward and may say something else entirely, maybe something offensive.

There are a good sum of blind people that have K9 friends that help them out, Seeing Eye Dogs. For this reason, I think it would be a good idea for braille plaques to be smothered with bacon. This would enable those with SEDs to get directly to the plaque without scraping their finger to the bone looking for the bathroom down an airport terminal.

I know that others will not share my views. This is simply my opinion. I apologize if I offended anybody, that was not my intent. Please do not come to my home and poke angry messages into my door.

think tank

2011-06-21T08:53:00.000-06:00

I have recently delved right into a bit of a fish frenzy. I don't really like eating fish, but I love having them. I have purchased some fish tanks and set them up with wonderful fish inside. I have also had some fish tanks that I didn't want to keep so I have sold them. With this I have found some great ways to find fish tanks that are very nice, low cost, and have pretty much everything one needs to get started.

If anyone is interested in having a fish tank, I could totally help you out. I absolutely love doing it. Just let me know.

24

2011-06-06T00:32:00.000-06:00

I just passed my 24th birthday and kept going with my self inflicted tradition of creating a list of things I wanted to do for my birthday. The number of items on the list corresponds directly with how many years of life I am celebrating on the given birthday. As one of the items on my list was to document each item on the list with a picture, I shall share them with you. We'll go in order the things were done during the day.

#1 See if the wii fit wishes me happy birthday - It totally did.

#2 - Eat red velvet pancakes - Delicious

#3 - Go shooting - "you missed" "did I? a perfect match"

#4 - Play wallyball - It's kind of obvious I'm the only one playing, but we got a game together.

#5 - Climb a tree - This is the captain's chair in the cherry tree at my parents place, oh the memories.

#6 - Buy a fish - I bought 3 as well as two snails, I went off the deep end.

#7 - Drive an electric shopping cart - I even wore a boot to make it look legit.

#8 - Play with dry ice - dry ice air hockey and making fog, life's pleasures

#9 - Eat a Reisen or a Mento without chewing it - I did it with both!

#10 - Watch a Psychisode - convenient that season 5 came out just days before my birthday.

#11 - Drink Dr Pepper - This could have been just about any day

#12 - Juggle 240 consecutive catches - easy

#13 - Play a game - pretty self explanatory

#14 - 24 hit ping-pong rally - Jeff and I pulled it off

#15 - Learn a new trick - the card trick I learned is almost too good, I wowed even myself.

#16 - Eat at the Pizza Factory - bread twist!

#17 - Get a tattoo...and put it on - I decided to go with something hard core.

#18 - Talk with 24 people - I talked with EXACTLY 24. no more, no less.

#19 - Receive a back massage - why didn't I think of this type of thing earlier?

#20 - Do absolutely nothing for 10 minutes -

#21 - Solve a puzzle - what else was I supposed to do with Chelsey sleeping?

#22 - Eat cake and ice cream - 2 in 1, ice cream cake

#23 - Don't say the name Jack Bauer - Even I was surprised how difficult this one was

#24 - Document each item on the list with a picture

I finished everything with well over an hour to spare, which blew last year's list away. It was a very eventful day. I got a lot of support from my wife and family, thanks again. I'm starting to get excited for next year. I've already got some items in mind for 25.

What do you get someone for their birthday?

2011-05-15T22:51:00.000-06:00

I have the hardest time knowing what to get people for their birthdays. I have to analyze how good of friends we are, what kinds of interests they have, what messages I'd be sending by getting something for them. It is rough. But I have found a solution. And because I don't want the same thing to happen to all of you, I have decided to help you all out.

To help you out, I have registered for my 24th birthday at Target.

Now I have narrowed down the things that you have to think about getting for me come the beginning of June! As for the other things, if you read this blog, we're probably decent enough friends. My interests are the things I've registered for. And the only message you'll be sending will be how awesome you are. Do you see the trouble I've saved you? You're welcome....and thanks in advance.

I'd catch a granade?

2011-04-15T09:46:00.000-06:00

So many songs these days don't make any sense. They are catchy and even fun to sing along with, but if you pay attention to the words, they don't make any sense at all. Each sentence is cleverly worded so it will cleverly rhyme with the next one, but there is no connecting thought throughout any part of the song. These songs are frustrating, but there are worse.
There are songs that make sense and don't make sense at the same time. That makes them stupid. There is one in particular that comes to mind. It is a new one by Bruno Mars called, "Grenade."

I have heard it on the radio, my youngest brother listens to it, and I have heard people singing or humming it all around. Basically, this song is about a guy who loves a girl, the girl doesn't love him, so he lists off all the stuff he'd do for her. Here is the chorus:

I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby;
But you won't do the same

What I don't get is, what would any of this do for her? If you want to impress someone, try singing something a little more like this:

I’d catch a rainbow for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Grow a handful of daisies for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump around in my Haynes with ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh
I would kiss you in the rain,
Take a ballet straight through my brain,
Oh, what I would buy for ya baby;
But you won't do the same

I can't say that this would save the song, but to me it would make a lot more sense. When I think of doing things for people it usually doesn't involve spraying gasoline on my clothes while walking on coals or pouring acid on my face. However, if Mr. Mars insists on catching a grenade for his girl, I would volunteer to throw it for the rest of humanity.

Eclipse, a movie and gum!

2011-04-09T12:43:00.001-06:00

I recently purchased some Eclipse gum in bulk at Costco. On every single pack were plastered the faces of Edward, Bella and Jacob. It was pretty annoying at first that I had innocently purchased gum yet had inadvertently supported the Twilight franchise. But how brilliant is this marketing technique? You don't need to have your movie be popular enough that someone will make a candy or a toy named after your movie, all you need to do is title your movie with existing brands!

With this mindset, I have come up with a few movie ideas of my own. One is about a food critic in South Carolina who encounters a whole munch of problems, I'd call it "Charleston Chews." My next idea would be a movie that depicts how Bill Gates is feeling and how much money he has, I'd call it "Good and Plenty." Another would be about Marie Antoinette and how often she liked eating cake, I'd call it "Now and Later." And my personal favorite idea is a take off of Arrested Development where the magicians alliance creates an everlasting pact to keep Gob from ever performing again, I'd call it "Gobstoppers."

I think that it's a great plan and I expect to make millions. Some of that will come from the fantastic movie quality, but a good sum will come from the marketing. I feel that there are a ton of movies who came so close, but just missed the mark. If only they'd changed the names a little bit, they'd be able to make millions from marketing. Here are a few:

Sneakers - Snickers
Chocolat - Hershey's Chocolat
Recess - Reece's
Ho Ho Ho - Ho Hos
Up in the Air - 7-Up in the Air
Momento - Mentos
Charmed - Lucky Charms
Stardust - Starburst
Twister - Twizzlers
Brokeback Mountain - Jolly Ranchers

Your ideas are welcome, I'll even share royalties.

The Shampoozi Diamond

2011-03-28T12:19:00.001-06:00

For an Intro to Theater class (easy art credit) that I took while at UVSC we had a few options for what we wanted to do for our final project. One of those options was to write a short play, more of a skit. Something reminded me of this recently so I decided to find it again. After starting to write it around 11:00 p.m. the night before it was due, this is what rolled off the press 3-4 hours later. It is a bit longer than a regular post but if you have a few minutes, I think it's worth a quick read through.

Damon McNeil

TASP 1120

Prof. Clark

28 April 2005

The Shampoozi Diamond

CHARACTERS

(In order of appearance)

Ederick

Jimothy

Tomathan

1.1 SCENE: Museum

[Enter Ederick and Jimothy]

Ederick

Make sure that you do exactly what I tell you Jimothy, I don’t want anything to go wrong this time.

Jimothy

Ederick, are you sure that this is a good idea?

Ederick

Yes.

Jimothy

But don’t you realize what will happen to us if we get caught?

Ederick

Yes.

Jimothy

Well then how are you still able to go through with all of this?

Ederick

Because if we do everything exactly as planned then nothing can go wrong, which means that you are going to have to do what Jimothy?

Jimothy

I know, I know, I do everything exactly as you tell me to do it. I don’t touch anything without you telling me to touch it. I don’t talk to anybody unless you tell me to talk to them.

Ederick

Good, it sounds like you’re catching on pretty quick.

Jimothy

I’d be able to do this a lot better if you would just tell me the plans now. That way I could know what to do and not have to do everything last minute.

Ederick

If I told you what all the plans were, then you would start thinking of how to do it your way. And when you start trying to do things your way, that’s when things go wrong. That’s when we’d get caught.

Jimothy

Get caught doing what?

Ederick (Slipping into a small closet)

Jimothy! Get in here quick before anybody sees us!

Jimothy (Casually walking into the closet)

Ederick I’m not going to take one more step until you tell me everything.

Ederick

Well that won’t be too bad, seeing how we’re going to stay in here until the museum is closed.

Jimothy

Tell me now Ederick or I’m not going to be a part of it. All you’ve told me so far is that we are going to be rich, but that’s not good enough now, I need to know how, and I need to know now.

Ederick

Alright, I’ll tell you. But you have to promise that we’ll do it my way and that you’ll do exactly what I tell you to do.

Jimothy

Alright

Ederick

On display in this museum are many thousands of artifacts that were found in and around King Fredward’s tomb. One of these artifacts is the Shampoozi diamond that was found lying next to King Fredward himself. Not only is it the biggest diamond ever found, but it is also the most clear and pure. This diamond is worth more money than you could ever imagine. Tonight we are going to steal it and sell it to a contact of mine in Turkey.

Jimothy

How do you know somebody in Turkey?

Ederick

He was a good friend of mine until the United States got a restraining order against him….or something like that.

Jimothy

A restraining order?

Ederick

Look, all he told me was that he had a buyer, and if I got him the diamond for him he would give me six billion dollars.

Jimothy

SIX BILLION DOLLARS?!?

Ederick

Yes six billion dollars, now will you shut up! You’re going to blow this thing before we ever even start.

Jimothy

Ederick this plan sounds wonderful, but how are we going to get this to Turkey without anybody finding out about it?

Ederick

That’s easy, FedEx. We’ll just mail it up there.

Jimothy

It still sounds sketchy to me, but I’ll do it. I’ll trust you on this one, so what do we do from here?

Ederick

For now we just wait until midnight, when we can be sure that there is nobody left inside the building.

1.2 SCENE: Museum (midnight)

Ederick and Jimothy in closet

Ederick

Jimothy…Jimothy wake up, it’s time.

Jimothy

Time for what?

Ederick

Quit acting stupid and get up! If we’re going to get this diamond then we are going to need to have all of our sense. Come on we need to do this quick.

Jimothy

Alright, I’m ready.

[Ederick and Jimothy exit closet]

Ederick (Looks around and spots the diamond)

Ahhh…there she is.

Jimothy

Who!?

Ederick

Not who you idiot, her. The Shampoozi Diamond.

Jimothy

Oh, her.

[Ederick and Jimothy approach the diamond]

Jimothy

This can’t be right, where is the bullet proof glass case? Where are the surveillance cameras? Where are the heat sensors and the motion detectors? Ederick I have a really bad feeling about all of this, it’s probably some sort of trap.

Ederick

Jimothy who would set this up as a trap for us? Nobody knows anything about us. This isn’t a trap, it’s just the most perfect set up in the world. Now quit slapping fate in the face and let’s do this.

Jimothy

So you’re saying that we just…pick up the diamond and walk out of here?

Ederick

Yes

Jimothy

And there won’t be any problems?

Ederick

None

[Enter Security Guard]

Security Guard (pulling out his gun, shining a flashlight in their faces)

Freeze you two!

Jimothy (raising his hands)

(whisper) No problems huh?

Ederick (raising his hands)

(whisper) Shut up!

Security Guard

What are you two doing in here?

Ederick

Who us?

Security Guard

No dummy, the other two guys trying to steal that diamond.

[Jimothy looks around quickly]

Ederick

What diamond?

Security Guard

Don’t play stupid with me. And keep your hands where I can see ‘em!

Ederick

So what are you going to do with us?

Security Guard

I’ll cut you a deal and give you 50%.

Ederick

What?

Security Guard

You guys think that I could carry a diamond the size of a soccer ball out of here all by myself? If you guys help me then after I sell it I’ll give you 50%.

Jimothy

And what makes you think that we are going to help you?

Security Guard

Because if you don’t then I call for backup. And when that happens, the two of you go to prison for a very long time.

Jimothy

Well neither of us would want you to do that now would we?

Security Guard

What, and send my only two living brothers to jail? I don’t think so.

Ederick

Tomathan?

Tomathan

You guys didn’t think that I was going to let you two have all the fun now did you?

Ederick

Where is Samanthica? I thought that you two were on your way to Paris for your honeymoon.

Tomathan

Well…that’s only half true.

Jimothy

Which half?

Tomathan

She is on her way to Paris. I told her our seats were split up, so I don’t think she’ll realize that I’m gone until the plane lands.

Ederick

What is she going to do once she figures everything out?

Tomathan

She’ll probably have a conniption. But by the time she catches up with me, I’ll have all this money to make things right again.

Jimothy

I wish I understood women the way you do Tomathan.

Tomathan

It’s really not that hard.

Ederick

Thanks for the pep talk Tomathan, but do we really need this now? If a real security guard sees us here he’s going to know something is up. We look kind of suspicious with these masks, especially you with that gun.

Tomathan

Right, they’ll arrest me for holding a gun but not for standing in a museum after hours around the diamond exhibit.

Jimothy

What’s that gun for anyway? We’re not going to hold up the diamond, and we’re definitely not going to shoot it.

Tomathan

Oh come on Jimothy, you know me better than that. Do you really think that I would carry a real gun?

Jimothy

It looks real.

Ederick

So are we going to do this or what?

Tomathan

Yeah, but if I’m in this thing then I’m in it all they way. I need to know what all the plans are with this diamond and everything.

Ederick

Do you remember my old friend Jackarias?

Tomathan

The one that was banned from the U.S.?

Ederick

Yeah, that’s the one. Anyway, Jackarias is living in Turkey now and he is the one who told me about the diamond. He’s got a buyer who wants this diamond more than anything. Jackarias told me that if I got him the diamond safely then he would pay me six billion dollars. Now I can’t prove it but I think that that is a lot of money. Plus, we have three people working on it so that makes it eighteen billion dollars! We’ll be rich beyond our wildest dreams!

Tomathan

Yes we will be rich Ederick, but I think that you have your math all mixed up. It is not a multiplication problem, it is a division problem. It would be the original six billion dollars divided by three people.

Ederick

Tomathan don’t take me for a fool. I know that six billion multiplied by three is eighteen billion, so don’t try to trick me.

Tomathan

No Ederick, I’m not trying to trick you, I’m just saying that he is only going to pay six billion dollars for this job to be done. Whether you do it alone or you do it with fifteen other people, he is still only going to pay a total of six billion dollars. So if you divide that six billion between the three of us, we will each have roughly two billion dollars for our own use.

Ederick

I still say it sounds better the way that I said it.

Tomathan

Yes it does, but that’s just not the way this all is going to work out, sorry. But let’s not worry about that anymore, let’s just get this thing and get out of here.

Ederick

Alright.

Jimothy

I’m still not sure that this is a good idea.

Ederick

Jimothy, I didn’t bring you here to think, I brought you here to help me carry this thing out of here.

Jimothy

Ederick, if anything at all goes wrong we could end up in jail for the rest of our lives. And is it worth it? After all, it’s only money.

Ederick

Only money? Jimothy this is the most money that anybody that I’ve ever known has ever had.

Jimothy

But that will all be gone in an instant if even just one small detail goes wrong. And then it won’t matter that we could be living like kings. It may not be much what I’ve got right now but I’m not going to risk all of that just because of some dream.

Ederick

Risk? Dream? Is that all you see this as? Where is the risk in any of this? Where are the security guards? Where are the surveillance cameras? Jimothy there is no risk in any of this. All we have to do is pick up that rock, walk out of here, and send it in the mail and that’s it for us. Then five to ten business days later, they have the diamond and we have the money in our hands, ready to be spent. What do you think about that?

Jimothy

Well if it is for sure as easy as you say that it is, then I guess that there really isn’t much use in arguing now is there?

Ederick

Nope

Jimothy

Alright then, let’s do this.

Ederick

Tomathan, is everything okay?

[Tomathan in a trance]

Tomathan

I thinkest that thou shouldst not take away that which is most precious to me.

Ederick

Uhmn, Tomathan? What’s going on?

Tomathan

Thou seekest to take what was kept beside my body since my death? After my dying request was that it never again be separated from me? Now in only a few moments you seek to undo what thousands have worked to preserve?

Jimothy

King Fredward?

Ederick

Jimothy, don’t be ridiculous, there is no way that this is King Fredward talking to us, he’s been dead for thousands of years.

Tomathan

Why seemest this thing to be impossible to you?

Ederick

This is stupid, Tomathan snap out of it. I’m serious, cut this out right now or I’ll be forced to hit you

Tomathan

Wouldst thou strike a king? Remove the rock if you dare, but be prepared.

Ederick

That’s it!

[Ederick punches Tomathan and knocks him down]

Tomathan

Ouch!

Jimothy

You punched the king!

Ederick

He’s not a king.

Jimothy

You still punched him!

Tomathan

What happened?

Ederick

Nothing happened; let’s just get out of here.

Jimothy

Okay, help me get the diamond!

Ederick

Forget the diamond and let’s just get out of here!

[Ederick heads for the door]

Tomathan

Hold on Ederick, what the heck is going on? One minute you’re giving the most elaborate speeches to Jimothy of why he must go through with this and now you’re just going to back out on it all?

Ederick

Things have changed since then.

Jimothy

King Fredward won’t let us take it, he’ll get pissed.

Tomathan

How is he going to get pissed? He’s been dead for over three thousand years!

Jimothy

He talked to us.

Tomathan

When?

Jimothy

A few minutes back, it was you that was saying the words, but it was King Fredward that was doing the talking.

Tomathan

This is ridiculous!

Ederick

No Tomathan, it’s all true, every word of it.

Tomathan

Is this some sort of trick? You don’t want me to be a part of your incredible wealth is that it? Do you have any idea how much money six billion dollars is?

Ederick

Tomathan the money has nothing to do with it. If we take that diamond, King Fredward will somehow come back from the dead and kill us all.

Tomathan

You are all insane! I have already put too much on the line for this rock. Do you realize what Samanthica will do to me if she finds out that I have abandoned her and don’t even have a decent reason for doing it? She will kill me without even a second thought.

Ederick

      (whisper to Jimothy) If she ever had a second thought.

Tomathan
      What?

Ederick
      Agreed, without a second thought.

Tomathan

I can’t believe that you both really believe that there is a curse on this diamond! Curses are stupid superstitions that old Gypsies made up to keep the neighbor kids off their lawns. They aren’t real!

Ederick

Tomathan, I know that it was real. I’ve never seen or heard anything like that before. Tomathan you know that I’m not one to get scared easily. But I’m telling you right now that there isn’t something right with that diamond.

Tomathan

I don’t believe this.

Jimothy

Tomathan I don’t think that you really have a choice at this point. Ederick and I aren’t going to help you get that thing out of here, and there aint no way that you are going to be able to get that thing out of here alone.

Tomathan

You two are really serious about this?

Ederick

You think that we would just give up six billion dollars just as some small joke?

Tomathan

I probably would if it were going to be funny enough.

Jimothy

But how would Ederick or I….or anybody ever know? And how would we know if it were funny?

Tomathan

That wouldn’t matter, cause I’d think it was funny, and that’s what really counts.

Ederick

I suppose that would be quite some trick if you were able to do something like that and get away with it.

Tomathan

That it would little brother....that it would.

[Exit Ederick, Jimothy, and Tomathan]

THE END

what movies don't you let your kids watch?

2011-03-25T13:13:00.000-06:00

Let me start off saying that I fully support parents who regulate which movies their children watch. I think it is fully valid and that not all movies are for kids. Some kids get scared easily and don't understand what is really happening. I can see why a parent wouldn't let their young kid watch Lord of the Rings because of violence, the Usual Suspects because of language, or Brokeback Mountain because of substance abuse. It is up to the parents to decide what they know their kids can handle.

That being said I think there are a lot of people out there with rules that I just don't understand. Now I cannot vouch for the validity of all of these rules, some of them I have only heard about from tertiary, or worse, sources.

I grew up on Disney movies. I watched so many Disney cartoon movies in my youth that I beat an entire family (6 on 1) in Disney Scene It?. The Lion King is actually the only movie I have ever watched, rewound, and then watched again right after. So I was shocked to learn as a youngster that one of my friends was not allowed to watch that movie because of violence. In case you are as confused about this as I was, this apparently was referring to the scene at the end where two lions paw at each other in slow motion.

While on my mission I served with a missionary who was not allowed to watch most movies that I could see nothing wrong with. He couldn't see the Little Mermaid because she is immodest. He was not allowed to see Snow White because one lady lived with seven men. He was not allowed to see Dumbo because the title of the movies sounded derogatory. These are just the ones that I can remember, but we spent a good 15 minutes of one district meeting asking him if he had seen different movies, he had not seen at least 85% of them for one reason or another. I just don't get it.

Don't think that I fully support Disney either because I don't. As far as I'm concerned they really only have one great thing going for them, and that's Pixar. I guess I'm just trying to understand, so if you feel this same way about any of these movies, please explain why so that I can comprehend. These all seem strange to me but none of them really bothered me until I heard about this one.

I was talking to someone at work about old childhood cartoons, and I brought up DuckTales. The co-worker gets all wide-eyed and incredulous looking and says, "You would not believe! My cousins were not allowed to watch DuckTales because, now get this, ducks don't have tails, they're just feathers."

If you are a parent and don't let your kids watch some things because of content or how that content will be interpreted by a three-year-old, I stand by you. I may not understand your reasoning, but I get that. But if you have some phonetic misunderstanding inside your own head that keeps your children from enjoying the finer things in life, please call child services today.

letters to celebrities

2011-03-24T08:27:00.000-06:00

Dear Johnny Depp,
   Why?
Sincerely,
        Damon

Dearer Penelope Cruz,
    Why?
Sincerely,
        Damon

Dear Geoffrey Rush,
    Why?
Sincerely,
        Damon

Dear Keira Knightley and Legolas,
    Good call.
Sincerely,
        Damon

Rifftrax.com

2011-03-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

I am writing for the greater good of mankind. This is mostly being written for future generations who look back on our lives and think that we had nothing to live for. This, however, will also apply to those looking around their lives right now and think that they have nothing to live for. The answer is rifftrax.com.

For those of you who have never heard of rifftrax, it is headed by Mike Nelson along with Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett the same trio from Mystery Science Theater 3000!! If you don't know what MST3000 is, I really can't help you.

MST3000 made fun of old movies, Rifftrax is doing the same thing but with modern movies. Unfortunately, movies don't just get better over time. People are still making movies that just suck. So why not make fun of them, turn them into comedies, and make a few bucks?

Rifftrax.com offers audio downloads that you can sync and play with your awful movies. I have watched so many movies with these Rifftrax now and I feel like most people don't know about them.

Rifftrax has done things with movies that nobody else could do. It enabled me, two of my brothers and a few guy friends to have a Twilight trilogy night. It got me to watch things like Birdemic, The Last Airbender, and the new Indiana Jones movie. There are movies that I hated but now I'm considering buying them because the rifftrax are so good!

If you don't believe me, try it out. Go to Rifftrax.com and you can look at some samples for free. You can also search "rifftrax" on YouTube and get a good taste for what is out there.

Recommendations:
The Last Airbender
Twilight trilogy
Harry Potter 1-4
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Day After Tomorrow
Reign of Fire

save the date

2010-10-28T21:04:00.000-06:00

As promised I'm keeping you updated. Plans are now finalized. The biggest event of the year for me will be happening on December 28th. Chelsey and I will be married in the Draper Temple. We're super excited. Now it's just on to planning receptions, taking pictures, making/sending invitations and junk. Hopefully it'll all go smoothly. :)

life-changing decisions

2010-10-18T14:44:00.000-06:00

I know that a very select few people follow this blog, so I feel obligated to keep you informed on the most intricate details of my life. I recently started dating a girl named Chelsey (recently here meaning 20 months ago.) She's great. We have now recently (recently here meaning yesterday) announced our engagement. So this is all pretty new to me. It looks like things are going down in the end of December but we don't have a firm date set yet. I'll keep you posted on all the details. I am just SUPER excited and had to share that little bit of info with the www.

Vampires aren't even real

2010-10-12T15:40:00.001-06:00

I don't understand the infatuation currently circling the globe with vampire movies and TV shows. This is just silly. Let me just inform you all, vampires are not real. Edward is not real. Jacob and his body are not real. All the other recent Twilight tag-along vamps are also not real. I am proud to say that I have not fallen under the spell of these twisted teenage ridiculous romances. I will stay away from the vampire franchises who are trying to suck money from unsuspecting teenagers with no sense of taste, class or reality. And I will stick to my zombie movies.

Bloody Water

2010-09-28T13:17:00.000-06:00

If you don't like bloody pictures, don't continue to the bottom of this post. It goes in depth about my snorkeling experience at a place I now call Sharks Cove.

I was vacationing with my mother and older brother in the Hawaiian Islands. Most of our time we were on the main island called O'ahu, the rest of the time was spent in the ocean. One day we decided to see how we fared at snorkeling. We took the mask and mouthpieces out to the beach right behind the condo in which we were staying. It was fun but boring, at first. We didn't really see anything but rocks and coral, at first. I had gone out further than I would have if I had known how far out I had gone. I saw something that looked purple on the ground, I dove down to get a better look...and it was weird looking. I still don't know what it was, probably a purple rock. That experience ended fairly uneventfully.

We decided to go to a place where more people snorkeled, we figured it would be more interesting. If we had only known. We went to a popular place called Sharks Cove (that's why I call it that.) Right when I first put my face in the water I could see fish all around me. The three of us stayed pretty close together for the most part. It was so cool to see all the different fish. They seemed to be used to tourists because they would swim right up next to us. It was all fun and games at first. My mom had some trouble with her mask and it started to rain on our stuff back on shore, so we didn't stay long. None of us really found out why it was called Sharks Cove until later.

We had such a good time that a few days later we were back. We wanted to see more things than we'd been able to see on our previous visit, boy did we ever. My mom didn't come this time, it was just Rendon and I. I started to get out into deeper water and saw a huge school of decent sized fish, there had to have been over 400 of them. It was so cool. I dove down to where they were (only about 6-8 feet) and they would scatter and swim all around me. I loved it. I didn't suspect anything. I got Rendon's attention and he came over and saw the fish with me, he also very enjoyed them. It was then that Rendon saw a group of people out further than we were, they seemed to be looking at something. We decided to go see what it was.

We started to go out there to see what all the fuss was about. I got there and Rendon wasn't with me, he had been distracted by another awesome fish. I saw that he was coming to join me, and it was a good thing that he was. I looked under the water and saw two swimmers dive down about 15-18 feet and go under the coral reef and come up through a hole that was a good 6ish feet from the point the swam under. I couldn't see how there could be any harm in doing this, so I decided I wanted to try. Rendon caught up and I told him what I was going to do. At first he cautioned me not to do it, but I really wanted to. If only I had known then.

I got to the point above the cove that I thought would be best to dive from. I secured my goggles and took one last deep breath. I kicked my feet up, pushed my head down, and started heading for the ocean floor. As I approached I noticed how dark it was under the coral. I hadn't really thought about that. When I got down to the level of the coral I could feel my mask and ears being pushed on by the pressure, but that couldn't prepare me for what I would see under the coral. I got to the ocean floor and looked under coral to see a shocking sight. There was nothing there. No fish or anything, that should have been my first clue. I started swimming under at a quick pace because the total absence of fish had put an eerie butterfly feeling in my stomach (even 15 feet under water.) I was also swimming quickly because my eyes hurt from the pressure.

I got under the coral where I thought the hole would be, I looked up.....and there it was. But when I looked up through the hole I saw something that made my stomach turn. I could see Rendon up above me but he wasn't even watching me. I had just done something I though was awesome and he didn't seem to care. I quickly swam up to alleviate the the pressure from my eyes. Rendon had apparently been watching but was trying to fix his mask on my return journey. The first words he said were, "I'm doing it." I let him know how much my eyes hurt from the pressure, but he wanted to do it anyway, I don't think he knew how much it hurt. He made the same dive and came up saying it didn't hurt that bad. I felt a little lame for it hurting so bad.

At this point we decided to swim back and get some dinner or something. We joined back with my mom and were going back to the condo but we decided to stop at another beach first. It was nice and relaxing. We just chilled, my eyes still kind of stung. We went home and showered and got ready to go out for dinner. Rendon was showing me some of the options of restaurants we hadn't tried yet. While we were talking he looked at me and said, "Is there something in your eye?" I didn't feel like there was. He told me to look to the side, I did. "Oh my gosh! Dude, go look in the mirror."

Apparently, my mask was too tight so when I dove under the coral the water pressure had burst the blood vessels in my eyes. The doctors said it wasn't serious unless it affected my vision, it didn't. They look much better now.

They do have sharks there though...sometimes.

Pictures of Sharks Cove (I didn't take these)

what color does an Angel turn if you choke it?

2010-07-25T16:57:00.000-06:00

Many of you may not know this, but July 24th is a holiday. It is Pioneer Day and is probably not celebrated anywhere outside of Utah. So to celebrate the occasion, my family went outside of Utah. It all started about a month ago. I mentioned that I had a list of things I would like to do before I died. Going to an air show was one of them. When I mentioned that my dad got online and found out that there was going to be one in Idaho Falls on July 24th. Not only would it be 'an air show', but the premier act would be the Blue Angels, the most famous show team in the world. Seeing an air show I thought would be cool, but seeing the Blue Angels was what I would have thought to be an unattainable dream, and yet it happened.

The day was amazing. We started by walking around looking at different planes on display. At about 10:20 we were able to see the B2 stealth bomber fly overhead. It was pretty amazing. We kept checking out the planes on display until the show started at 12. The day showcased several prop planes doing various stunts, including one plane with a woman standing on the top wing while flying. The jets that were showcased included Russian MiG and the Air Force's F16. All of these were pretty amazing and exhilarating, but nothing compared to the Angels.

Their show started before the pilots even got in their planes. The way that they did everything was perfect and in sync. I was in awe the whole time. I got chills several times throughout their hour long performance. I really couldn't do them justice by trying to explain their majesty and sheer awesomeness. I felt like a little kid seeing a real firetruck for the first time after playing with a toy one for three years. Every move that we had seen the other jets do, the Blue Angels did while flying in formation.

The moral of this story is that air shows are awesome and the Blue Angels are the best. If you ever have the chance to see them, take it. A small trip and a few dollars for an entrance fee will be totally worth it before you even see the Angels fly.

checklist

2010-06-04T09:27:00.000-06:00

A little while ago I started my very own birthday tradition. On my birthday I would make a list of things I just wanted to do. For example eat ice-cream, see a movie, go golfing, or fall madly in love. The number of items on the list would equal the number of years that I had been alive. Here was this year's list.

1- Go back to sleep after waking up √√
2- Drink chocolate milk √
3- Throw around a Frisbee √
4- Long-board somewhere √
5- Drive with my arm out the window √
6- Get a snow cone √
7- Eat at J-Dawgs √
8- Drink Dr Pepper √
9- Laugh really hard at a new joke √
10- Listen to The Format √
11- Speak Russian with someone √
12- Learn a new song on the guitar √
13- Spend time with the family √
14- Kiss Chelsey √
15- Break something √
16- Fix something √
17- Eat peanut butter kiss cookies √
18- Watch 10 favorite YouTube videos √
19- Go shooting √
20- Eat at the Pizza Factory √
21- Do absolutely nothing for 15 minutes √
22- Win something √
23- Open a present √

The day was a success. I started right when I woke up...by going back to sleep and ended 20 minutes before midnight. I said that I started this tradition a while ago, truth is that while ago was the night before my birthday. The idea just came to me so I decided to try it. I loved it. I will keep it going on into my old age when each item on my list will be a different pill that I have to take.

Questions for which I have yet to find answers...

2010-05-12T10:44:00.001-06:00

why do the hours from midnight to 4:30 a.m. go by so faster when I'm awake than when I'm asleep?

why do I know that?

why is it so much easier to write a paper when the deadline is only 4 hours away than when it is 4 days away?

why is it that when I'm in school all I look forward to is summer, but when it comes I'm bored most of the time?

why is it that when I am bored I want to either eat something sugary or buy something cool?

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

how can you get addicted to Panda Express if there is no MSG added?

why do I feel better about these questions now that I've put them down in my blog?

exploring options

2010-05-10T00:40:00.001-06:00

The latest talk is all about the new iPhone coming out...sometime. But is Apple really looking at all of their options? I hope they're considering absolutely everything in order to make this the best release of all.

Blind Date

2010-03-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

Greeting at the door:
Him- Trying to decide if she is as pretty as his roommate said she was.
Her- Hoping he's not as much of a creep as his roommate is.

Car ride to the restaurant:
Him- Keeps conversation familiar by talking about his roommate, discovering how much of the conversation she will dominate all night.
Her- Finds out how close he and his roommate are, creep factor is now generally known, generally unknowingly dominates conversation.

Dinner:
Him- Hopes she'll order something cheep-ish, finally determines prettiness factor, tries to eat enough to be filled, but not look like a pig.
Her- Hopes he's not cheep, decides if she does not want to go out with him again.

Car ride back:
Him- Decides whether he'd like another date, wonders if he's going to get dessert, chuckles at himself for thinking of 'dessert' right after dinner (depending on decision- hope he can get the mints out of his glove compartment without it being awkward.)
Her- Decides whether she wants dessert, chuckles at herself for thinking of 'dessert' right after dinner, wonders if he's just chuckling because she is (depending on decision- goes through her meal wondering if there were onions or garlic)

Doorstep:
Him- Makes a comment either stating that it was kind of nice, or that they should get together again sometime, according to previous decision either takes some action or not, accordion to her decision either gets some action or not.
Her- Either responds to possible comment made about a future date or avoids it, according to his previous decision she has the option to get some lip-service or not, according to her decision either grants him his wish or shuts him down like a bad date.

After date:
Him- Depending on prettiness factor determined either brags about getting action (even if he didn't) or complains to roommate about getting set up.
Her- Depending on creepiness factor giggles all night or makes crepes.

Before?? and after

2010-01-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

Where do 'before' pictures suddenly pop out from? 'Oh, my acne looks particularly bad today, where's the camera?' 'Look how far my gut hangs over my belt, I think I'll take my shirt off, frown, and document it. ' 'This may be a new record of plaque on my teeth, click' It worries me. Should I start taking random pictures of myself in odd poses in case my body suddenly gets in shape? Should I stop brushing for a few months and then contact Crest to see if they need a testimonial? I guess I'll just take some regular photos and see if I can change anything in the future.

X marx the spot

2010-01-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

What is with the letter 'x' trying to over-run the alphabet? It used to be probably the most rarely used letter and now it's all over the place. I blame this mostly on young teenage girls, IM and texting. My belief is that it is mostly used because an average person thinx it's easier to use a single letter, 'x' than actually typing two FULL LETTERS! Hmm, they're probably right. Can you imagine what we've been missing? So I've tried only using 'x' over the past few days, it's amazing! Thanx to these innovators I have saved hundreds of milliseconds in e-mails and texts. It may seem that this new ideal of mine lax creativity, but I consider it to be brilliant. I have way more time now to read boox, which I actually usually spend watching movies and eating snax. I believe that the nation would save money if it only used 'x', we'd eventually save paper and solve the financial crisis with our banx. It's up to each one of us to bring 'x' into the spotlight. Sure we might get some occasional weird loox from grammatically correct people, but we have to do our part. Also, part of our part I feel should be changing the abbreviation for the central most state of the union to just plain X.
Just bringing 'x' into the spotlight isn't enough, we will have to push a different letter to the bax or our minds. Don't re-read this all now, but because of this I have eliminated the letter 'K' from this entire post....except for that one. Pretty sure I covered my trax. So join with me and hundreds of thirteen-year-old girls in our effort to annihilate the above mentioned letter...that follows 'J'

Cast:

Ice rinx (uncredited)
Tanx (uncredited)

2009-12-25T23:52:00.000-07:00

oh Christmas, you festive gem! Once about every year or so we get to celebrating the birth of one Jesus Christ. We do this in possibly the best way ever, by spending time with our families and friends. Life really couldn't be much better. So here is a Christmas shout out to everyone. Make it a good one.

reliving the glory days

2009-11-30T23:43:00.001-07:00

While walking through the grocery store the other day I saw some GoGurt. It reminded me of my childhood so I decided to get some. I was then in the snack section and saw snack packs which also reminded me of my earlier years. I then decided to walk through the entire store and buy things for my trip down memory lane. I was fully loaded with the above mentioned items along with String Cheese, Squeeze-Its, Capri Sun, Chewy Granola Bars, Otter Pops, Animal Crackers, Fruity Pebbles and Pop Tarts. As I looked into my childish eyes which were the items in my cart I slowly formulated a question to as myself. "How are you still alive?" I don't think there was a single nutrient in my entire cart (except maybe the Dr Pepper that wasn't part of my flash back, but I didn't know for sure). I thought back to my youth again trying to see vegetables and fruits in there. I definitely found them, but they were never the things that stuck out. I took another lap around the store and added baby carrots and some canned veggies. I felt a lot better about myself after adding them back into my life and restructuring the pyramid of my youth. All the food is pretty much gone now but I don't have a can opener and it just isn't right to eat carrots without Ranch...

online crowds

2009-11-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

So it turns out you can find awesome deals the day after Thanksgiving. Who would have thought? So I'm kind of addicted to shopping for things online. Granted so far all I've bought is DVDs, but it's pretty nice. Turns out Best Buy has over 400 DVDs on sale online, which is pretty great. It sure beats having to cram into the stores and fight the crowds. No worries about parking. No disgruntled sales clerks. Just pure internet bliss...

a couple of couples

2009-11-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

With the family gathering together for Thanksgiving festivities I've come to notice one thing painfully clear. I'm single. With my parents being married, my oldest sibling being married, and my next oldest sibling heavily in a relationship, I only become more aware of how much not in a relationship I am. The two siblings younger than me that are close-ish to my age are gone too. So the singles are just me and Tag, the 13-year-old...I thought singles awareness day was in February...

There's not a lot worse...

2009-11-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning to my alarm playing "sleepless" by Until June (I thought that would make me not so tired when I woke up). Due to the NyQuil taken roughly eight hours before I was finding it very difficult to get myself out of bed. Fortunately I didn't fall asleep again before I could force myself out of bed. I took a shower and downed some quick breakfast. I was about to check the syllabus for my first class to see what the reading was that I hadn't completed, but realized that I only barely had enough time to get to class so it wouldn't matter. I trudged through the bitter cold that is November as it sweeps through Utah valley. I took the stairs of insanity two at a time and walked briskly to the Brimhall building. Once in I ran up the stairs to the third floor. Trying to return my breathing to a normal indoor level I walked to the other side of the building where my class was.........was not. A note on the board said, "No class today. In the syllabus today is listed as a preparation for case analysis day, have a good one." Thoughts flashed through my mind...the snooze button, an actual breakfast, walking to school in the afternoon instead of the bitter morning, taking the steps one at a time with a lunch break in the middle, SLEEEEEEEEEEP!

I guess that's what I get for taking NyQuil last Wednesday too and sleeping though this class on Thursday.

but does it matter?

2009-09-30T15:13:00.000-06:00

I'm in a news reporting class which means I have the wonderful opportunity to write for the infamous...or unfamous Daily Universe. After my first few weeks I have discovered that while blogging and news writing are completely different, there are a few similarities.
One of the major differences is that when blogging I can say whatever I want, whereas with news writing I have to be factual and politically correct. Another difference is that I have to be punctual and have timely deadlines with the newspaper, totally different from the I-have-half-a-thought-so-I'm-going-to-write-something-witty-about-it mentality. But the mail similarity surprised me.
Not a whole lot of people read my blog. Not a whole lot of people read the Daily Universe, much less actually read stories about sporting events that they've already been to or don't care about. So why all the hubbub about facts, deadlines and being PC if nobody is there to read it anyway?

Season 6

2009-09-16T01:49:00.000-06:00

So my ward planned this awesome movie watching party for this Thursday at 8:00. Wait a minute, I thought that they wanted people to come to this movie watching party. Then why would they plan it during the 6th season premier of The Office? Miss The Office or miss a TBA G-rated ward movie...? Looks like the only option I have is to show up late for the movie and hope that there are refreshments after the Feature Film for Freshman Families.

kicked out of the club

2009-09-12T00:57:00.000-06:00

Imagine you are associated with a group of people that were very well-known. Maybe it is considered a very prestigious thing to be associated with these people. Maybe being associated with these people makes you famous, it isn't an opportunity that most people have, maybe less than a dozen people will ever have this opportunity. Other people would read about you and know who you were for generations. You would be up there with the stars. After all of this, how would you feel to have it ripped away from you? To have the fame and glory taken away. Maybe people will decide that you don't have what it takes to be associated with these people. Maybe they feel that after all this time they can just decide that you don't quite cut it. And they take it away from you and you can never get it back. You're embarrassed and humiliated. People still know who you are but it doesn't count for anything. You will eventually fade and as time goes on people will forget you ever existed. How would that make you feel?

I think that it would be pretty crappy. I'm just sayin', I feel for ya Pluto.

People Watching

2009-05-21T00:22:00.000-06:00

Ya know those days when you've just got nothing to do? I had just such an evening starting about 5 hours ago. I hopped in my car and drove to a nearby grocery store. It happened to be the Smith's Marketplace on Freedom and roughly 350 N in Provo. It was roughly 9 o'clock when I exited the store with a few Sobe™ drinks and some Whoppers™ I sat in my car opening the goodies while watching a few people also exiting the store. This apparently lasted, according to the clock in the car, for about 3 hours before I realized that my drinks were gone, my candy had spilt, and I had to pee.

I was totally enthralled and intrigued. I saw 5 near accidents, 17 PDA offenders, 2 inappropriate PDA offenders, 3 inappropriate hand gestures, 1 dropped bag of groceries, 2 different people taking pictures next to the same sports car (one just a few seconds before the actual owner of the car exited the store), 1 probable drug transaction, 2 failed pick-up attempts by the same guy, 1 creeper talking on the payphone for about 40 minutes (yet he didn't move his lips much), 6 people taking smoking breaks, and the only person I've ever seen buy a porch swing from a grocery store.

I seemed to find the best way to take a completely uneventful evening into an uneventful evening watching other people's slightly more eventful evenings. But I think blogging about it kicks me up to about their level, so I'm feeling good about that.

Snowflake Dispensers

2009-03-01T00:57:00.000-07:00

There are some things that I understand need to come in different varieties and variations. People have different personalities and therefor want different products and services to suffice their personal needs. All people like different types of cars, music, movies, clothing, food, etc... These are all things that are pretty substantial in defining a person's identity.

One thing, however, that I DON'T understand is why there are so many different types of paper towel dispensers. I'm not sure I have ever been to two different public restrooms and had the same paper towel dispensing experience. There are hundreds, literally hundreds of various styles. The interesting thing is that none of these dispensers seem to satisfy commonly addressed identity issues. Also, 95% of them fall in the same sufficiency margins...which is unfortunately low. Here are some examples:

The Slot Machine
You pull down the magical nob sticking out and an irritatingly small amount of paper towel comes out, causing you to crank it about 13 times before you can even see it coming out.

The Push
The same basic design as the slot machine but more finger friendly. Now you don't flick water all up and down the wall as you're trying to get the towels out to dry off.

The Wave
Someone is making bank on this by getting motion detectors used in more places than garage flood lights. The main problem is that it's too slow, and I'm pretty sure the government uses them to keep track of population movements by using advanced infrared fingerprint scanning technology.

The Fall Out
Though it is very basic, this is probably the best, most reliable and safest model they've come out with yet. No gadgets or mechanisms that will constantly break. Just simple gravity required, available in most areas.

Why are there so many different kinds? Nobody knows. Which means the true answer is again marketing. Everybody wants to get their hands in as many markets as possible, wet or dry. The more prestigious competitors have left paper completely and take a far greener approach.

Hit it
One of the best technologies on which to take out your standard anger. I always felt the harder I hit it the longer it would stay on. This one is very effective at blowing all the water off your hands and down onto your pants.

Aerial Bliss
New and exciting piece also blatantly plagued with government tracking. Effectively blows your hands dry without making it look like you had a bit of an accident.

So despite all of our breakthroughs in technology, we're still staying as diverse as ever. Keeping things American I suppose. Because of an unwillingness to conform to or support any of these lifestyles or to let the government know what I'm up to, I steer clear of all such devices. I have found 'just holding it' to be the best solution.

Marketing? I should say so.

2009-02-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

Among the greatest television commercials

Budweiser - Wazzup!

Budweiser - What are you doing?!

McDonald's - Recital

Carlton Draught - Big ad

Dr Pepper - I would do anything for love

Miller Beer - Domino

Hurrah for a business class where all you do is watch TV spots for all the best beverages and fast food hot spots.

McNeil 2nd Sunday

2009-01-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

As far back as time can stretch, there have been reasons to party. When the cavemen invented the wheel, they partied. They probably all took turns sitting inside the wheel and rolling it down from their patios. The ancient Egyptians celebrated the completion of the pyramids with a going away party for the aliens that helped them build them. Columbus celebrated finding America by persecuting the inhabitants of the land he discovered. Abraham Lincoln celebrated the end of the civil war by going to watch a play. All of these are examples of ways that people have celebrated different events over the ages. So we, as descendants, naturally have uncontrollable needs to have such celebration.

Because of this, the McNeil 2nd Sunday was invented.

Almost every month has at least two Sundays....is that not reason enough to celebrate? On these special occasions when the second Sunday of any month comes around, people gather at the Dane and Marianne McNeil household for well prepared home cooking. These gatherings started over 25 years ago when the above party first became official and legally bonded. Over the next 13 years the group increased by a number or two every few years. It peaked at 8 members for the longest time, having some inflation and deflation owing to exchange students, friends and other house-guests. But it has only been within the past few years that McNeil 2nd Sunday really took off.

With a new increase in the age of nephews and nieces, the amount of McNeil blood flowing in the Orem/Provo region increased. Naturally, so did the attendance at the 2nd Sunday's version of the McNeil dinner table. These days were filled with eating, talkativeness, laughter and games in the basement. Since those days, the numbers have grown even more. Many additions were made when one carrying McNeil blood was legally and eternally bound to another. It follows that they would also be able to attend 2nd Sunday festivities with their significant others, respectively.

Along with blood carriers' better halves, roommates of carriers began to attend also. This made for many changes. It increased the amount of food eaten, noise level, laughs and upped the ante on the games that could be played. Unfortunately not everyone can stay living here in the area forever, and many of our number have left us. Though some of our most cherished members have left, the tradition lives on with their memories.

So if you're ever in the area and it happens to be the second Sunday of any given month under the stars, drop on in for some food and good times. Just call in advance so we can save you a seat. If you're not in the area on one of these the second Sundays, just know that you're not having quite as much fun as we are.

But you don't really need this much money to celebrate Christmas

2008-12-16T00:58:00.000-07:00

So a few friends and I were driving around a few days ago looking at Christmas lights and having a good time. We went out to Salem and looked at some lights floating on a pond that are set up to look like Christmas trees. They looked really neat out there, especially with their reflections. They also had a bunch of trees with mysteriously un-Christmas-like green and blue spotlights on them. But they looked cool anyway. A lit bridge spans the pond and provides a fantastic place for all visitors to freeze out in the open with winds coming from all directions. We had hot chocolate and continued looking at lights. It wasn't very exciting cause we didn't think there would be much out there to top what we had just seen. My sister had told me about a house that was uniquely decorated, so I decided to check it out. We drove around the foothills of Orem and Lindon for quite a while before we came to a house with flashing lights ALL over the place. There was a sign out front that instructed us to tune our radio to 99.9. The entire light show was put to music!! More and more lights would come on as the music would progress, lights would change colors, speeds and brightness. They were actually in sync with the music! I wasn't quite sure it was possible. We were all very impressed with our new discovery and it kinda pushed the whole pond scene out of our minds. This seemed to be quite a bit more advanced. It's amazing what they can do with technology these days. Either that or the home owner has enough time on his hands to sit inside flipping a few light switches while everyone else enjoys a fantastic yule celebration.

fitting in after the 'mish'

2008-12-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'm praying that I'm not the only one who feels this way, but when I got home from my mission, I found it a bit difficult to fit in right away. It seemed like the entire world had changed in just 2 short years. When the last movie that you saw before you left was Superman Returns and back when HomestarRunner.com was still popular....

Walking around campus I realized that I didn't understand what people were talking about over 70% of the time. People would also talk about restaurants that I'd never heard of. 93% of everything my family says comes from movie quotes and I was feeling really out of place. So here is what I did to try to pull myself out of this awkwardness and place myself back into 'the swing of things.'

1 - I started watching "The Office." I knew that this would help a little bit, but I didn't realize that it would completely cover the 70% of conversations that I was lacking and quite a bit of the family quotes. Who knew something could become that popular without me.

2 - I went to Demae and tried Sushi. I didn't really see how this would help me all that much, but everyone told me that it was a must. There were about everybody in the world there eating raw fish. I even kinda liked it. People were coming up to me and congratulating me on getting out of the awkward stage of my life. What is that supposed to mean?

3 - As for the movies, it's a never-ending battle. I've watched several and am further behind than when I started. So on that I've given up, but noticed that nobody really cares. I saw The Dark Knight and the Pixar films, that helped a lot. And I learned a few quotes from other movies, just to help me out. Simple things like, "I'm kind of a big deal" "Life is like a box of chocolates..." and "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

So I'm walking around with my head up these days. I understand what people are saying when they tell me that I act like Michael Scott or have the mental capacity of Kevin Malone, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

social eating

2008-11-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

On Wednesdays I'm on campus all day, seriously it's ridiculous. In the middle of these days I get extremely hungry. It happens every time. I usually end up eating in the cafeteria, and usually eat some delicious sandwich from Subway. After purchasing my food I have the ever-so-fun task of looking for a place to sit...by myself.

While walking around looking for a seat I see about 30 tables with only one person sitting at them. I think of how these people look lame and friendless. So I decide to play a little game. I find a table and sit all by myself and pretend to be just like them. I sit down, throw my backpack onto the chair next to me and look around cautiously as I unwrap my sandwich. As I eat I give these fake looks of longing at the other tables where conversations are actually taking place.

I usually pretend to get some of the dressing on my face and fake feeling stupid for never remembering to pick up a few napkins while I'm at the register. I do this whole routine where I pick up the food that has fallen onto the wrapper and put it back in the sandwich, making myself appear to be inept and unconscious of everything around me.

When I finish my lunch I wrap up the mess that I've made and give a semi-satisfied look. I give a last pretend look around the cafeteria to see if there is anyone at all that I know, then give a fake look of disappointment. I throw my garbage away and start to walk out when I 'remember' that I've left my backpack. I pretend to get all embarrassed and go back for it while avoiding all eye contact. I then walk out by myself, but really I'm feeling bad for all the people in there who really do have to eat all by themselves like social outcasts. The sad part is, they probably don't even have the slightest clue that they're one of them.

courtesy on crutches

2008-11-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have noticed over the past few days that people don't have a whole lot of respect for people that use crutches to walk around. Apparently we feel that because we can walk around with just our two good legs that we are better than those who have to use a couple of rudimentary poles to assist them. I have decided to devote a few inches of internet space to showing how we can be more courteous to these people in their unfortunate circumstances. Here is a list of a few simple things that you can do.

When you are walking down a long bit of stairs, and there is a person using crutches also walking down the stairs, they generally are going quite a bit slower than you. Be courteous and don't make NASCAR racing sounds as you pass them, just because you can fly past at a quick rate.

When you want to kick the crutches out from underneath someone, think about what you are doing first. You have to be strategic. If you want to be a jerk and hurt them, kick out the crutch on the side of their injured leg. This will cause them to hit that foot on the ground and cause lots of pain. If you just want to be funny and give everyone a good laugh, kick out the crutch opposite their injured leg. This will just trip them up and they'll fall neatly on their healthy side.

It can be frustrating when you are in a hurry, walking down a narrow hallway behind someone who is on crutches. Determine whether you want to be mean or funny, follow the steps in the above paragraph, then jump over them. Try to make a good effort at a laugh as you run by, so that people don't think you're just being malicious.

Lastly, remember that things happen in life. There is a chance that sometime you will be on crutches. I hope that if that happens you will remember this blog, and realize why people do the things they do. It's not out of hate, spite, anger, inconvenience, or frustration. So when you look up at us from the floor remember it's okay to laugh a little, cause we thinks it's funny too.

.....?

2008-11-17T23:33:00.001-07:00

I had a great idea for a blog today. I was so excited to write about it. I had thought of some key sentences that I would use to make it ridiculously funny. I even had a very well

planned paragraph break. I got to the library and onto my computer and loaded up my blog. By the time it opened up to the "compose" screen, I'd totally forgotten what I wanted to say. I tried and tried to think of what I wanted to write, but it wasn't coming back to me. I sat there for several minutes but nothing happened. I felt cheated in not being able to write what I wanted to. I thought about how lame it was that I couldn't remember what I wanted to say. It was even almost worth writing about itself......almost.

Not everything can verb

2008-11-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed how pretty much anything can be used as a verb these days? It doesn't even have to be a word, people can say whatever they want to! I was talking with a friend asking him how another old friend was doing. He didn't know so he said, "I should facebook him and see what's up." I'm sorry but facebook in not a verb. Neither is Google, you can 'search for something on Google' but you just simply can't 'Google' something.

I decided to try it out when having a conversation with a friend. He used the object verb first saying, "Last weekend my sister got her tires knifed and her car was keyed." So in an attempt to keep up with todays modern language I said, "Man I hate it when people do that, it makes me want to gun them."

If you can just take any object and turn it into a verb, there is no point with having any verbs. So I am keyboarding this blog to information everybody about how ridiculous our speech has become. I am grateful that I can internet this out to all of you at the same time since I'm studenting at BYU, it easiers life. If you question, you can always cellphone me. If I don't cellphone back it's cause i'm either carring, fooding, or funning with friends.

Walk-By Quotes

2008-11-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

All around campus, in the halls at school, in the mall or basically anywhere in public there are constantly thousands of different conversations taking place simultaneously. When simply walking by someone in one of these places you don't ever hear enough of the conversation to know what they're actually talking about. Often times these little snippets from other people's lives are quite comical due to the fact that we have no idea what they are really talking about or how they got onto that topic.

When walking around campus one day I was lucky enough to hear two of these walk-by quotes within a matter of minutes. The first was a group of girls talking very quickly with each other. The only words I got out of their conversation came from the girl furthest away from me. "Oh my gosh, I have to find someone to make-out with tonight" are the only words that I ever heard her say. Walking on after a few minutes I heard one guy exclaiming to his friend, "No! I am not the fastest guy in our ward!" I was still chuckling from the first 'WBQ' but when I heard this I actually started laughing. I really wanted to tell the guy that there was a girl just a stone's throw away that he should talk to.

Another time I was walking past a few people doing some service, cleaning up weeds on campus, when I heard one of my favorites. One of the guys was asking the only female in the area, "Can you even name four books from the Apocrypha?" There are some conversations that just scare me.

Here are some of my other favorites:
"We doubled our baptisms by three times!"

"If he's going to be like that, I'm going to be like this"

"At least it isn't yet rain"

"That's all I have to say! and on top of that if you....."

So as I have been thinking about WBQs more often and trying to hear more good ones, I have also been paying closer attention to what I'm saying when people are walking by. The worst was when I found out that my long-lost cousin was in my Book of Mormon class. My mom had told me to call her and invite her to dinner sometime. Next time I got the chance, while walking out of class through a whole mess of people, I brought this issue up with her. I wish that everyone around me had understood that she was my cousin when I said to her, "Hey, my mom wanted me to get your phone number."

California Girls

2005-06-20T11:10:00.000-06:00

I recently returned from a vacation from Sunnyvale, California. For those of you who do not know where that is, it is the long skinny state on the west coast that almost got John Kerry elected all by it's self. This blog is to speculate the statement which states something like, "California girls are the best looking." or "No girls compare to California girls" or "I wish they all could be California girls." I have observed from many angles these well known proverbs and have come to one conclusion, they are all FALSE! We'll start with statement #1 "California girls are the best looking." Have you ever driven through BYU campus? Case closed. Statement #2 "No girls compare to California girls." Yes I will admit that California has some extremely attractive girls, but have you ever driven through BYU campus? Statement #3 "I wish they all could be California girls." If every girl were a 'California girl' what would we do with BYU??

Master Plan

2005-06-08T22:09:00.000-06:00

Why is it that you can take a normal, average looking guy and make him look like a total idiot just by introducing a into his life. You can ruin a person with stuff like that. I am convinced that guys and s were not meant to know about eachother until the s were 23 and the guys were at least 25. Somewhere this master plan has been foiled and now s are out on the loose ruining guys lives. It's worse than that though, they won't just ruin a life and then move on. They'll ruin a life and then stick around to make sure that any time the guy is trying to pick up the pieces, she's there to knock them all apart again. This heartlessness must be stopped.

KELF

2005-05-19T21:08:00.000-06:00

Everyone who has experienced high school has at one point or another known what it is like to not want to go to class. So often times they will try to think of something else that they can do instead of just sitting around. If the person has money then they could go out to breakfast or lunch (depending on the time of day of course.) But if they have no money then what do they have? Most of these poor people that have no money can not think of anything to do so they end up just going to class. This is a sad fate and it must be avoided. For this cause the UVSC Distance Education students in C-3 of Orem High School have developed and perfected KELF. This sport was actually discovered by OHS students. The story goes like this.
One day I was sitting in C-3 watching my Meteorology class when I noticed that I was thirsty. I then took my facilitator's keys and went to the Teacher's Lounge to get a drink (because in the teacher's lounge they are only $.50) As I was walking back to class I saw Alex Call walking away from the classroom. So to get his attention, I took my keys out of my pocket and threw them at him. It later occurred to me that this may not have been the best way to get his attention, but it worked. When the keys hit the ground they landed on a blue tile. (There are random blue and yellow tiles all throughout my school, cause those are the school colors.) Then Alex said, "Hey, that landed right in the middle of this blue square here! Let me see if I can get it to land on a blue square."
Thus, KELF was born. KELF is a mixture of two words, KEy and goLF, cause it's like golfing with keys. So that is pretty much what we did all through this school year is throw our keys down the halls and try to get them to land on specific tiles. The hardest course that we made was the one that goes right by the counseling office and ends up by the principals office. But it's the most fun. So the next time that you are in school and decide to sluff class, try playing KELF. I promise that it is more fun than you can imagine right now. This will open up a door to a whole new room in the funness of your life. Ü

Hi Jack!

2005-04-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting here thinking of what to write about, the phone rang. On the caller I.D. it said Delta Airlines. I usually don't answer the phone when it says that because I know it's for my dad. But my dad was on a trip so I was confused as to why Delta would be calling. So I answered the phone and they asked for my mom. I told the lady that my mom was gone shopping for a while and asked if I could take a message. She then began to tell me that the plane that my dad was flying was hijacked while it was still on the runway. She then said that there was no way to tell what was going on in the airplane because the communication had been cut. I didn't know what to do, I was so scared. I quickly called my mom on her cell phone but she didn't answer it. I freaked out, I didn't know what to do. After about 10 minutes Delta called back with updates. They told me that the plane had taken off and was headed over the Atlantic Ocean (from JFK International Airport.) I had no idea what to do!! I couldn't find my mom and nobody else was in the house. I called my grandparents house and told my grandma and she started crying. She told me to hang up quickly and wait for more information from Delta. About 15 minutes after I got off the phone with my grandma Delta called back. The lady seemed calm and told me not to worry. But I was still in a freak panic, I wanted to know what the heck was going on with my dad. She assured me that everything would be okay because the President of Spain was on that flight. This made no sense to me, so I asked what in the name of the ruler of Spain that had to do with. She then explained that it was in Spain when the first day of April because known as April Fool's Day.

A Place

2005-03-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

I've decided that everybody should have a place to go when they just need to be alone. A place where you can go just to get away. Away from life, away from family, away from friends, away from school, just away. A place where you can think and not have to worry about being interrupted or distracted. A place where you can feel comfort. A place where you can find peace. A place to relax. A place where you can scream. A place where you can cry (not that I cry or anything like that;) But mostly it needs to be a place where you can be alone where nobody would think of coming to look for you. You should use this place anytime you are not feeling right. That can mean you are feeling mad, sad, depressed, alone, confused, or even jealous. Just sit down in your own little place and absorb good feelings. I know that it sounds kind of cheesy but trust me, it works.

TAX

2005-03-27T18:55:00.000-07:00

I just got back from vacationing in Oregon to visit my cousins, Stacey and Julie. Actually, I was visiting their whole family but since Stacey and Julie are closest to my age, and are the ones that I play with, I say that I was visiting them. So while I was on this vacation there were a few times when we would go to a store to buy something. The first time I was in a Wal-Mart and I was buying Wrigley's WinterFresh Gum TM. So I got up to the register and was prepared to pay for the 89 cent package with a 1 dollar bill. I did so and the cashier took my money and gave me back 11 cents in change. This caused me to pause and think for a moment. Surely this could not be correct, what about the sales tax, but then it struck me. THERE IS NO SALES TAX IN OREGON!!! This instantly put me in a fantastic mood and made me want to go buy more cheap stuff. We then went into a store with the title "The Dollar Tree" We have these stores in Utah also and they pride themselves in advertising that everything in the store is just one dollar. But If you only have one dollar you cannot walk into the store and buy a single item because of a sales tax. But when you are in Oregon you can purchase anything you want in that entire store having nothing more than 100 pennies. But of course there is always a drawback. Oregon makes up for the money by placing insane property taxes. This is why I have decided that when I grow up I will beat the system by living in Washington or on the peninsula of Idaho and crossing the border to do all of my shopping.

The Shaft

2005-03-15T17:44:00.001-07:00

I've noticed that there really is no good way to break up with someone. No matter what they say to you to sugar coat it or justify it, it is still going to hurt. They could do it by saying that they wanted to play 20 questions and then ask "If someone were to ask you tomorrow if we were still together, what would you say?" Then when you answered "Well I would say yes" because you weren't expecting anything. But then she (or he) might just say "Well then you would be wrong." And that could totally hurt because that's probably not the kindest way to let someone go. But on the other end of the spectrum, they could just start a nice and totally ordinary conversation with you. Then they would ask some simple questions and give simple answers to your questions. And they could be totally loving and kind during the whole thing. And it would still hurt just as bad afterwards. So what I'm saying is that I guess I realize that these things are going to hurt so I might as well just learn to get over them. It's practically a natural part of life when you are "going out" in high school. Now if I could just remember that, this wouldn't hurt so bad.

A Kiss

2005-03-01T16:33:00.000-07:00

So tonight for my "Introduction to the History of Theater" class I went to see a junior high school's production of "The Music Man" Since it was a junior high school production I did not expect it to be all that grand. And my expectations were actually almost exactly what the play turned out to be. But there were some things that happened that I was not expecting. Like the part where Marian and Professor Hill are talking on the bridge, they actually kissed. And it was not a kiss that Disney would have put in one of his movies (unless you count "A Cinderella Story" or other movies that have come out recently that I'm pretty sure Walt wouldn't be too happy about) So I'm sitting there thinking, wow, this kid is only 14 years old and he's already into the kissing bit. Then I finally realized what all of this meant. It meant that he had beaten me by 3 years!! That's just pathetic. So I leaned over to inform my younger brother of this humiliating discovery when he announced to me that this was not the first time, but that he kissed someone in a play last year. So instead of 3, he totally shows me up by beating me by 4 years!! And that's just counting the ones that we can prove. Who knows, he could have beaten me by up to 14 years! Actually I don't think it counts until after you are at least 12ish so the most he could have beaten my by is 5 years. So anyway, after the play I go to congratulate him on a play well performed and he's just got this smug little smile on his face. A look like he knows exactly what I'm thinking and he just thinks that it's funny that he is such an American Idol and I'm just a walking "wanna be". Except he's younger than me so that would make me a "wish I coulda been."

Parking Violation

2005-02-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been trying to find a parking place in a fairly full parking lot and you finally think that you see a good spot but when get there you see that some idiot has parked in a way that he is taking up more than one parking spot? Or just seen somebody parked taking up 4 spots just because they have a nice car? Or parked at the end of a row where there isn't a parking space? Or parked by a red curb that says, "No Parking Anytime"? It is something that has bugged me for quite a long time and has caused me to think about being a police officer and just giving out parking tickets. I've also thought about becoming president so that I can creat a death penelty for parking violations. But those seem kinda drastic. And often times, people just need a friendly little reminder that tells them how stupid they are. So I found this little message that seems to work quite effectively.

PARKING VIOLATION

This is not a ticket, but if it were within my

power, you would receive two. Because of

your Bull Headed, inconsiderate, feeble

attempt at parking. You have taken enough

room for a 20 mule team, 2 elephants, 1 goat

and a safari of pygmies from the African

interior, The reason for giving you this is so

that in the future you may think of someone

else, other than yourself. Besides I don't like

domineering, egotistical or simple minded

driver and you probably fit into at least

one of these categories.

I sign of wishing you an early transmission

failure (on the expressway at about 4:30

p.m.). Also may the Fleas of a thousand

camels infest your armpits

WITH MY COMPLIMENTS

Now this may not change the attitude of the jerk who parked as though he were the king of some small foreign nation that nobody has ever heard of. But I can guarantee that it'll make you feel a whole lot better. So if you'd like you can copy this and paste and print them out to use at your own descression. Any violent consiquences that may occur due to the use of these strategically organized words can not be held against me.